Yep, it's just gone 8 AM and I feel I've just driven through Milan's main fashion hub staring the yummy mummies of Malta. From the seat of my battered 1995 Daewoo I've seen designer jeans finished off with some big shoe things (no idea what they are called, the wife did ask me to take a photo next time which is easier said than done when sat behind a ruddy 4x4). Top half ranges from Italian fashion house to Tommy Hilfiger blouses accompanied by silver accessories that Primark would only be happy to rip off flanked by handbags made by some French bloke called Lewis.
Hair either neatly tied back or lovingly straightened (probably by stylist) with a sheen of gloss that looks like they've been through the finishing stages of coach work at Rolls Royce. Watches are the size of a town hall clock which were probably worth more than the tyres on my car, in fact the whole car put together. Instead of the local police wardens directing the gridlock of SUVs and BMW X5's that will never go off road it should be Gok Wan.
And that is just when it is sunny. If there is a hint of rain out comes the umbrella's styled by some dude who likes to wear his shades in doors whilst pruning flowers from his studio penthouse. It really is an experience...and this happens twice a day, everyday for five days. After dropping off the kids to school and they head to the work place it must be like watching 'Not what to wear' live!
Now, you if you know me well then I am not the person to say what he thinks or indeed have a mouth bigger than average. However, I had to investigate this further. Whilst during an 'altercation' with one of the locals over a parking issue (technically it wasn't a driveway more a bridleway) one of the mums from my son's class came over to help translate. She must have been a bit late out the door as her outfit only really came €500 and clearly the salon was shut that morning. Still my, umm, lady in shining Guicci armour did answer a few questions to the fashion parade I see every morning. And the best bit? Most of them do not work. That's right, hours of endless preparation just for the school run.
All this and I turn up in my old army shorts, a t shirt that I have had on for at least 26 hours and driving the oldest car in the world. Naturally, I am not complaining, it is the highlight of my day. My wife cannot understand why I am so enthusiastic at stupid o'clock in the morning to witness 100's of Victoria Beckham wannabies drop to school their offspring. I love it. And I always said there should be school at the weekends...
Ben Glover is 32, lives in Malta with his wife and son. He is a broadcaster/DJ and writer for magazines plus other publications. The Daddy Cool Box is currently monthly and an escapism for Dads! For more info e-mail direct: gloverfreelance@gmail.com
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